Everything hurts.
When you hold so much pain, you start to try and grasp other things. Maybe they'll distract you. Maybe, just maybe, they'll help you forget that you have such a firm grip on so the reality that life is just painful. But, when you look up, you realize you've lost touch. What is reality?
Is there still a fire burning in your heart? Because, sometimes, I forget that I have one in the first place. People always say animals can't go to heaven since they don't have souls. So what makes you different from them?
And why are you writing this in the first place? Do you truly feel this way or have you read WebMD so much, you can follow it like a script? Wait until someone notices. This is all just a cry for help, isn't it? So let's stop pretending.
XOXO
Jacks
Thursday, June 18, 2015
Monday, April 8, 2013
I'm Waking Up, I Feel it in My Bones
I figured out what it is - I feel like I'm asleep, like I've been asleep. That's why I feel as though I've been living my life so passively. It's like I'm in a constant dreamworld where I don't feel wholly there. At any moment, I could wake up and all the set pieces built up around me will be exchanged with my sheets.
I went camping this weekend and more than a few times, I felt a sense of deja'vu. I often have dreams that become reality or at least, I feel like it had been a dream I had. I even remember after waking that I didn't know the people I was with in my dream or didn't recognize the atmosphere. And then, it would really happen in real life and everything came together like a puzzle.
Anyway, this really doesn't help with the whole feeling asleep thing. I'm sure as soon as school's over I'll really have to wake up. But, at the same time, that makes me sound like such a child. I hate waiting for people to solve my problems or help me. I'm done with waiting for things to fix themselves and not taking risks and always saying "no".
I'm ready to wake up.
I went camping this weekend and more than a few times, I felt a sense of deja'vu. I often have dreams that become reality or at least, I feel like it had been a dream I had. I even remember after waking that I didn't know the people I was with in my dream or didn't recognize the atmosphere. And then, it would really happen in real life and everything came together like a puzzle.
Anyway, this really doesn't help with the whole feeling asleep thing. I'm sure as soon as school's over I'll really have to wake up. But, at the same time, that makes me sound like such a child. I hate waiting for people to solve my problems or help me. I'm done with waiting for things to fix themselves and not taking risks and always saying "no".
I'm ready to wake up.
Sunday, August 5, 2012
25 Affirmations to Improve Self-Esteem
25 Affirmations to Improve Self Esteem
1. I deeply appreciate and accept myself.
2. I forgive myself for all imperfect acts and thoughts, past, present and future.
3. I love myself unconditionally.
4. I love all aspects of my mind.
5. I love all parts of my body.
6. I accept my imperfections as opportunities to learn valuable lessons in my life.
7. I do my best and my best is good enough.
8. I deserve to be happy.
9. I deserve the very best life has to offer.
10. I deserve to love myself.
11. I deserve to be loved by others.
12. I deserve to love others.
13. I am my own best friend.
14. I am compassionate and curious when others criticize me.
15. I am confident and self-assured.
16. I celebrate my uniqueness.
17. I am the best me I can be in each moment.
18. I trust myself.
19. I enjoy my own company.
20. I take responsibility for my own well-being.
21. I am proud of who I am.
22. I am a winner.
23. I am proud of my results and comfortable with my successes and my failures.
24. I am fun and I have fun.
25. I am a good person.
2. I forgive myself for all imperfect acts and thoughts, past, present and future.
3. I love myself unconditionally.
4. I love all aspects of my mind.
5. I love all parts of my body.
6. I accept my imperfections as opportunities to learn valuable lessons in my life.
7. I do my best and my best is good enough.
8. I deserve to be happy.
9. I deserve the very best life has to offer.
10. I deserve to love myself.
11. I deserve to be loved by others.
12. I deserve to love others.
13. I am my own best friend.
14. I am compassionate and curious when others criticize me.
15. I am confident and self-assured.
16. I celebrate my uniqueness.
17. I am the best me I can be in each moment.
18. I trust myself.
19. I enjoy my own company.
20. I take responsibility for my own well-being.
21. I am proud of who I am.
22. I am a winner.
23. I am proud of my results and comfortable with my successes and my failures.
24. I am fun and I have fun.
25. I am a good person.
Wednesday, June 6, 2012
A Love That Would Look & Sound Like a Movie
1. What was the last movie you watched in theaters?
The Avengers. For the fourth time.
2. What was the first movie you ever remember watching in theaters?
Tarzan.
3. Top 5 movies
1. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless MindIn this order:
2. Inception
3. The Fountain
4. Brick/The Fall
5. Rebel Without a Cause
4. Top 5 directors
Darren Aronofsky, David Fincher, Christopher Nolan, Elia Kazan, Alfred Hitchcock
5. A favorite adapted movie
Fight Club.
6. Your best experience on going to the movies
I love going to midnight premieres. Or the special premieres I used to go to all the time in high school. Two of my favorites were Another Earth and Inception. I also really liked going to see Across the Universe with Tracy. And then, of course, comic book and the Harry Potter films.
7. A guilty pleasure
League of Extraordinary Gentlemen and Quest for Camelot
8. An overrated movie
The Social Network
9. An underrated movie
The Fountain
10. A movie that not many have heard that you’ve seen
This is going to sound extremely stuck up but I've seen far too many movies that no one has ever heard of and its sad because its usually because I love an actor in it or maybe, maybe it was an early film of a favorite director/screenwriter.
11. A movie you watched mainly for an actor
See above. I've mostly done this for Johnny Depp, Benedict Cumberbatch, Tom Hiddleston, Kyle Gallner, James Franco, etc.
12. Top 5 actors
James Dean, Johnny Depp, Benedict Cumberbatch, James Franco, Leonardo DiCaprio
13. Top 5 actresses
Audrey Hepburn, Kate Winslet, Rachel Weisz, Keira Knightley, Katherine Hepburn/Lauren Bacall
14. VHS, DVD or Blu-Ray?
DVD
15. Favorite Disney movie (not PIXAR!)
Treasure Planet
16. A tearjerker
Titanic
17. A movie that you know it’s bad but you can’t help but love it
Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull (shh, I loved it)
18. Favorite Movie Soundtrack
The Fountain, Tron: Legacy, and Pride and Prejudice are all tied
19. Favorite quote from a movie
"You're tearing me apart!" from Rebel Without a Cause but I have a LOT
20. A movie that was better than the book
Breakfast at Tiffany's, actually
21. First adult film you watched (thematically speaking not R-rated)
Passion of the Christ, maybe?
22. A kids movie you always watch
Anything Disney like Beauty and the Beast or Treasure Planet but there's always Quest for Camelot and any Miyazaki film.
23. Favorite Science Fiction movie
Blade Runner, Minority Report, or Tron: Legacy
24. Favorite Comedy
Bridesmaids, The Hangover, or Tropic Thunder
25. Favorite Fantasy
Lord of the Rings trilogy
26. Favorite Love Story
Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind or The Fountain
27. A movie you hate
Joe Dirt, Knocked Up (unpopular opinion, I know), The Break-Up, You Don't Mess with the Zohan, Love Guru
28. Favorite animated movie
Treasure Planet, Quest for Camelot, or Spirited Away
29. A movie from your favorite director you didn’t like
Vertigo. Now, I will re-watch it but seriously, the first time I saw it, I hated it.
30. Favorite comic book movie
The Avengers
31. 3 movies you’re expecting excitedly!
Dark Knight Rises, Brave, Looper
32. A book you read for a movie
Fight Club, Twilight (hahaha), the Millennium series
33. Favorite Musical
Singin' in the Rain
34. Favorite fictional character
Lisbeth Salander, Irene Adler, Spiderman, and the Doctor
35. A movie you wished they never made
The person I stole this from put Ghost Rider 2 so I'm going to agree on that as well as Justin and Kelly and anything with Kate Hudson.
36. Favorite remake!
The Thing
The Thing
Saturday, May 12, 2012
Death is the Road to Awe
When I am sad my first instinct is to write about it. Usually, I write everything I would like to say to someone or to myself or try and say what I am feeling at that very moment, all composed safely in my head and I don't let it escape. I'm afraid to let it escape because I'm not sure what damage it will cause. Tonight is no different. I sit on my bed, on my computer once again, listening to The Fountain soundtrack after consuming three Smithwick's and watching The Deep Blue Sea.
It was my own fault. I shouldn't have drank. I shouldn't have watched a film that I knew was going to be depressing considering it is based on a Terence Rattigan play. And I really shouldn't be listening to The Fountain soundtrack. But, as I once told Bestie, every song on that album is what my heart is playing and tonight, I realized how that statement was true.
I am heartbroken. I feel betrayed. Lost. Melancholic. Regretful. Guilty. And I've been feeling this way a long time but I never realized it.
How can someone not realize it? Well, when you are let down again and again and again, you begin to wonder if maybe it was really all your fault. You've been guilted before, maybe that's why you feel so sad now because you really are the cause of it all. Everyone leaves you for a reason, you know. Why are you surprised? Ignore those feelings. Every one of them. They will lead you no where except a place where you will hurt every one around you. You know how you're afraid of being completely and absolutely alone for the rest of you life? Well, that is exactly what's going to happen if you allow yourself to feel those things.
When I think about it, I can't blame anyone. I push you all away. I pretend like nothing can phase me. That I can work through anything, create some optimistic world where love is all that is needed. But in the farthest depths of my soul, I know that that won't ever happen. I only hope and pray because I have nothing left.
That's a little overdramatic and I take it back. I have my best friend and she is the most amazing person I have ever met and will ever meet as long as I live. I love her and appreciate her very deeply and I never am good at showing such love. Or so I think. She's probably glaring at me for saying such things. I know she loves me.
I'm going to be honest with you, its so very hard to type this.
My family betrayed me. They let me down. And not just once but many times over and over. I no longer have their support. I no longer have their respect. I have nothing from them when all I do is give, give, give.
How? You're probably wondering. How can you keep giving to a group of people who are nothing but hate and sadness and selfishness?
I don't know! I don't know. Exactly because they are my family. I didn't choose them. From a very early age, I gathered that family was everything. No, no, seriously - every-fucking-thing.
They would be there for you no matter what. They would support you no matter what. They were your best friends and your worst enemies because they loved you and wanted to give you the world but couldn't and that that was okay because at least they tried.
Well they didn't fucking try. They haven't done a damn thing for themselves or for me. They buy me things. They buy me useless Hello Kitty memorobilla, jewelry, clothes, electronics, whatever the fuck I don't actually want they give it to me.
Why don't they understand that all I want is for them to be happy, dammit? Why can't they see that? And why can't they just fucking try for fucking once my fucking God. I hate them. And I hate saying those words so much but I hate them. I can't tell you how many times I've wished that they would just die so they might actually be happy and stop putting me through this hell.
It sucks even more because of my 'training' I've been brought up to think that I'm just like them. That getting my dad to buy me a thumb drive and headphones was selfish and greedy. That making my brother cart me around town was greedy. That making my mother feel terrible for not giving me rent money again was mean and cruel.
My mind is empty right now. All of what I'm saying is pure instinct and I can't breathe because my nose is entirely blocked from snot. I can hardly see this screen and my fingers because of all the tears falling onto my mousepad and making it difficult for me to scroll. I literally cannot breathe because my heart hurts so badly.
Who am I? Is all I am just trained words?
Do you know that actually, right now, I'm thinking that this is so fucking selfish. That someone out there has it so much worse. That my pain is nothing. That I'm nothing.
Well someone who loves me very much told me that I am something. That I'm important. And that's why, tonight I type these words because no matter how many people are out there in pain and in sadness, with broken hearts and tears left unshed, you still matter. You still have your problems and your issues and you know what? Someone is out there who would love to hear about them and help you feel better.
God, all I wanted to do was be good. To inspire someone maybe. To be one of your children. I might just be. But, I've got to say - this pain is unbearable. And I am so very, very angry. I can't say that it is your fault or beg you why you did this. Because you didn't. And neither did I. Something good will come from it.
Just hold me. Hold me and whisper your love because that's all I can bear.
I know I shouldn't apologize for my feelings but I am sorry you had to read such dreadful things.
I will be much happier in years to come.
XOXO
Jacks
It was my own fault. I shouldn't have drank. I shouldn't have watched a film that I knew was going to be depressing considering it is based on a Terence Rattigan play. And I really shouldn't be listening to The Fountain soundtrack. But, as I once told Bestie, every song on that album is what my heart is playing and tonight, I realized how that statement was true.
I am heartbroken. I feel betrayed. Lost. Melancholic. Regretful. Guilty. And I've been feeling this way a long time but I never realized it.
How can someone not realize it? Well, when you are let down again and again and again, you begin to wonder if maybe it was really all your fault. You've been guilted before, maybe that's why you feel so sad now because you really are the cause of it all. Everyone leaves you for a reason, you know. Why are you surprised? Ignore those feelings. Every one of them. They will lead you no where except a place where you will hurt every one around you. You know how you're afraid of being completely and absolutely alone for the rest of you life? Well, that is exactly what's going to happen if you allow yourself to feel those things.
When I think about it, I can't blame anyone. I push you all away. I pretend like nothing can phase me. That I can work through anything, create some optimistic world where love is all that is needed. But in the farthest depths of my soul, I know that that won't ever happen. I only hope and pray because I have nothing left.
That's a little overdramatic and I take it back. I have my best friend and she is the most amazing person I have ever met and will ever meet as long as I live. I love her and appreciate her very deeply and I never am good at showing such love. Or so I think. She's probably glaring at me for saying such things. I know she loves me.
I'm going to be honest with you, its so very hard to type this.
My family betrayed me. They let me down. And not just once but many times over and over. I no longer have their support. I no longer have their respect. I have nothing from them when all I do is give, give, give.
How? You're probably wondering. How can you keep giving to a group of people who are nothing but hate and sadness and selfishness?
I don't know! I don't know. Exactly because they are my family. I didn't choose them. From a very early age, I gathered that family was everything. No, no, seriously - every-fucking-thing.
They would be there for you no matter what. They would support you no matter what. They were your best friends and your worst enemies because they loved you and wanted to give you the world but couldn't and that that was okay because at least they tried.
Well they didn't fucking try. They haven't done a damn thing for themselves or for me. They buy me things. They buy me useless Hello Kitty memorobilla, jewelry, clothes, electronics, whatever the fuck I don't actually want they give it to me.
Why don't they understand that all I want is for them to be happy, dammit? Why can't they see that? And why can't they just fucking try for fucking once my fucking God. I hate them. And I hate saying those words so much but I hate them. I can't tell you how many times I've wished that they would just die so they might actually be happy and stop putting me through this hell.
It sucks even more because of my 'training' I've been brought up to think that I'm just like them. That getting my dad to buy me a thumb drive and headphones was selfish and greedy. That making my brother cart me around town was greedy. That making my mother feel terrible for not giving me rent money again was mean and cruel.
My mind is empty right now. All of what I'm saying is pure instinct and I can't breathe because my nose is entirely blocked from snot. I can hardly see this screen and my fingers because of all the tears falling onto my mousepad and making it difficult for me to scroll. I literally cannot breathe because my heart hurts so badly.
Who am I? Is all I am just trained words?
Do you know that actually, right now, I'm thinking that this is so fucking selfish. That someone out there has it so much worse. That my pain is nothing. That I'm nothing.
Well someone who loves me very much told me that I am something. That I'm important. And that's why, tonight I type these words because no matter how many people are out there in pain and in sadness, with broken hearts and tears left unshed, you still matter. You still have your problems and your issues and you know what? Someone is out there who would love to hear about them and help you feel better.
God, all I wanted to do was be good. To inspire someone maybe. To be one of your children. I might just be. But, I've got to say - this pain is unbearable. And I am so very, very angry. I can't say that it is your fault or beg you why you did this. Because you didn't. And neither did I. Something good will come from it.
Just hold me. Hold me and whisper your love because that's all I can bear.
I know I shouldn't apologize for my feelings but I am sorry you had to read such dreadful things.
I will be much happier in years to come.
XOXO
Jacks
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