Often, I find that I fear myself. When I dated Terry, I was convinced that what was really wrong was that I feared what I was capable of. Half the time, I don't do much of anything that I'm capable of which is a good or bad thing, depending on the situation and how you look at it. I may miss a lot of opportunities or chances at getting close to people. But that's the problem. I feel as though bad things happen when I get close to people. Of course there's good things too and a lot of my relationships can be noted as successful but then why am I scared?
No one's perfect. I know that. Shit, everyone knows that. But, what if I hurt someone irreparably? What if I hurt myself? What if I become obsessed and become that weird girl yet again? What if I ignore the feelings until its too late? What if I push the feelings too hard and get bored?
I haven't felt alone in a long time.
I hated typing that sentence. In fact, I'm simultaneously thinking, "Fuck her, Jacks! She doesn't know what the hell she's talking about. You don't need a boyfriend (or girlfriend for that matter)! All you need is you and your friends. Who gives a fuck about sappy love?"
And that side of me is equally correct. But I know she's speaking out of fear. Fear that I'll wreck something, that I won't be realistic, that I'll become obsessed.
God. That's the real fucking problem. Obsessions. It makes me feel disgustingly evil how obsessive I get. When it happens, I fall into this hole and no matter how important I know the sun and the ground above me is good and right, I just want to curiously burrow further and further, crawling beneath the earth until I'm covered in dirt, going so far that I find the skeletons in the proverbial closet and uncover a marvelous treasure.
Snapping back to reality is like that awkward chapter in a novel after the main character has done something huge and needs to move on to the next thing but can't because, well you've got to have the boring build-up.
Even if the build-up and the climax aren't reality at all.
XOXO
Jacks
1 comment:
Hmmm, this sounds very familiar. It's the wonderful thing called distraction. Now an obsession can be a wonderful thing, but a distraction can keep you from doing something wrong, which can be good, but the crazy thing is...It can keep you from doing something right. Having an obsession is normal, and being the weird girl? Well, some men, like myself, find that very attractive. Look at Zooey, dear god she is weird, but dammit she is amazing that way. Wouldnt want her any other way. You are an amazing woman, and I understand your fear. You dont want to offend or hurt anyone, or even accept anyone. If you keep the fantasy just the way it is, a fantasy, then it cant come true and possibly fall apart. The fantasy is like keeping the real life love you have for someone, in a cryogenic state, sealing in the love and affection forever. Doing this keeps you locked up inside, enjoying the fantasy forever.
Im in the same boat Jacks. I still have a fantasy locked away, in fact I have two of them. Film is one of them. In my fantasy, the film is wonderful, magnificent, and a masterpiece. It's the story everyone wants to see and hear. It wins awards and gets me so much attention and love. The other fantasy is, well, lets just say it is a thousand times more wonderful than the desire to make a movie.
But what will happen if I bring the fantasy to life??? Will it have the same effect???
I guess we both need to bring them out and see what happens. We have both been stabbed in the heart before I bet. What's one more stab wound??? :-P
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