Sometimes I scare myself.
I've touched on my numerous obsessions before in past entries but it's now more than that. It feels like it's more than that. I just hesitated as I wrote this because I know who's reading this very blog. Well, there's you, dear reader. And I don't want you to think I'm insane or creepy or something less than myself because no matter what, I'm me. There's only one. That's not an excuse but I know, no matter what, it isn't always about being accepted but being loved.
Love.
Today I realized two things;
1) It is difficult for me to get close to people.
and
2) I obsess over people.
You're probably wondering, just like I did, how that's possible. How someone could simultaneously not form relationships while also managing to have numerous friends and know plenty of people that they can obsess over. I don't have an answer to that. That's why I'm writing this blog. I want to describe what it's like inside of my mine so that, hopefully together, we can come to one conclusion that doesn't automatically mean throwing me into the loony bin.
I see every detail about you. The physical traits strike me first and even though they aren't perfect, I still want to be aware of every square inch of your body for my own mental-safekeeping. The physical traits are half the details about you anyway. I see everything else. The way you move. The way you look at the camera and pout to your significant other. The way you put on make-up and let people assume you don't really care about the finer details. I see the relationships you have - your best friend, your sibling, your parents, practically everyone. I orchestrate my life around yours. I tune myself to your melody. I see the finest details as if they are just notes on the page. Whenever your name passes my thoughts or finds its way past my lips, I hole up into myself - tense shoulders, stubborn knees, wide eyes. I'm tense always. An awkward girl in an awkward turtle's shell of anxiousness thinking about you.
I've made lists and lists about you - what clothes you wear, what music you listen to, what books you read, what food you love. Everything. Why? Somewhere in my mind, it is acceptable to know every single detail about you and document it all in my mind so that I can be constantly aware of you. I may not be observant but boy, can I poke and prod until I am.
The worst part is that it doesn't stop there. You influence me in ways I wish you didn't. You make me weak and strong at the same time. I dream of our lives becoming intertwined and I want to involve myself as I watch the conversation that updates every few seconds on your Facebook wall. Through my endless sources, I can almost touch you. Hear you. You are the star of the film I've made of you in my mind. People joke that I would slice off someone's skin so I could wear it and you know what? I would if it meant I could be you.
It isn't anything sexual. Far from it. I just like to sit and think about being near you again. About having a conversation with you about something minute. Other times, I have daydreams where I am you. I soak up the life I can have from each and every day being you and keep them locked away in case I want to pull them out again.
How can I do that? Get close to people without them getting close to me?
How can I let you do that?
How can I want to be you?
You.
This isn't love. This is obsession and I am terrified.
And that, my friends, is what it's like being inside my head while having a girl crush that just won't go away. I don't believe they ever will.
XOXO
Jacks
1 comment:
Now, I feel I understand a bit more, what it is like inside your head. and...its exactly what I feel. Its like the title to my 2nd to last blog post: Sometimes I wake up and wish I were a cheeseburger. I wish I was someone else. Someone successful. It is not sexual at all, its just with me, and maybe with u too, i just want to be something else than who I am. So I wonder...who is it u are obsessed with? You can tell me, I wont tell anyone :)
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