When I am sad my first instinct is to write about it. Usually, I write everything I would like to say to someone or to myself or try and say what I am feeling at that very moment, all composed safely in my head and I don't let it escape. I'm afraid to let it escape because I'm not sure what damage it will cause. Tonight is no different. I sit on my bed, on my computer once again, listening to The Fountain soundtrack after consuming three Smithwick's and watching The Deep Blue Sea.
It was my own fault. I shouldn't have drank. I shouldn't have watched a film that I knew was going to be depressing considering it is based on a Terence Rattigan play. And I really shouldn't be listening to The Fountain soundtrack. But, as I once told Bestie, every song on that album is what my heart is playing and tonight, I realized how that statement was true.
I am heartbroken. I feel betrayed. Lost. Melancholic. Regretful. Guilty. And I've been feeling this way a long time but I never realized it.
How can someone not realize it? Well, when you are let down again and again and again, you begin to wonder if maybe it was really all your fault. You've been guilted before, maybe that's why you feel so sad now because you really are the cause of it all. Everyone leaves you for a reason, you know. Why are you surprised? Ignore those feelings. Every one of them. They will lead you no where except a place where you will hurt every one around you. You know how you're afraid of being completely and absolutely alone for the rest of you life? Well, that is exactly what's going to happen if you allow yourself to feel those things.
When I think about it, I can't blame anyone. I push you all away. I pretend like nothing can phase me. That I can work through anything, create some optimistic world where love is all that is needed. But in the farthest depths of my soul, I know that that won't ever happen. I only hope and pray because I have nothing left.
That's a little overdramatic and I take it back. I have my best friend and she is the most amazing person I have ever met and will ever meet as long as I live. I love her and appreciate her very deeply and I never am good at showing such love. Or so I think. She's probably glaring at me for saying such things. I know she loves me.
I'm going to be honest with you, its so very hard to type this.
My family betrayed me. They let me down. And not just once but many times over and over. I no longer have their support. I no longer have their respect. I have nothing from them when all I do is give, give, give.
How? You're probably wondering. How can you keep giving to a group of people who are nothing but hate and sadness and selfishness?
I don't know! I don't know. Exactly because they are my family. I didn't choose them. From a very early age, I gathered that family was everything. No, no, seriously - every-fucking-thing.
They would be there for you no matter what. They would support you no matter what. They were your best friends and your worst enemies because they loved you and wanted to give you the world but couldn't and that that was okay because at least they tried.
Well they didn't fucking try. They haven't done a damn thing for themselves or for me. They buy me things. They buy me useless Hello Kitty memorobilla, jewelry, clothes, electronics, whatever the fuck I don't actually want they give it to me.
Why don't they understand that all I want is for them to be happy, dammit? Why can't they see that? And why can't they just fucking try for fucking once my fucking God. I hate them. And I hate saying those words so much but I hate them. I can't tell you how many times I've wished that they would just die so they might actually be happy and stop putting me through this hell.
It sucks even more because of my 'training' I've been brought up to think that I'm just like them. That getting my dad to buy me a thumb drive and headphones was selfish and greedy. That making my brother cart me around town was greedy. That making my mother feel terrible for not giving me rent money again was mean and cruel.
My mind is empty right now. All of what I'm saying is pure instinct and I can't breathe because my nose is entirely blocked from snot. I can hardly see this screen and my fingers because of all the tears falling onto my mousepad and making it difficult for me to scroll. I literally cannot breathe because my heart hurts so badly.
Who am I? Is all I am just trained words?
Do you know that actually, right now, I'm thinking that this is so fucking selfish. That someone out there has it so much worse. That my pain is nothing. That I'm nothing.
Well someone who loves me very much told me that I am something. That I'm important. And that's why, tonight I type these words because no matter how many people are out there in pain and in sadness, with broken hearts and tears left unshed, you still matter. You still have your problems and your issues and you know what? Someone is out there who would love to hear about them and help you feel better.
God, all I wanted to do was be good. To inspire someone maybe. To be one of your children. I might just be. But, I've got to say - this pain is unbearable. And I am so very, very angry. I can't say that it is your fault or beg you why you did this. Because you didn't. And neither did I. Something good will come from it.
Just hold me. Hold me and whisper your love because that's all I can bear.
I know I shouldn't apologize for my feelings but I am sorry you had to read such dreadful things.
I will be much happier in years to come.
XOXO
Jacks
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Saturday, May 12, 2012
Thursday, April 26, 2012
I'm a Copycat
But hey, at least it is a different quiz than Celtic Wings'! I hope you enjoy. I know I did - if you know what I mean.
1) Put your iTunes on shuffle. Give me the first 6 songs that pop up.
1. "Hot Tips" - The D'Urbervilles (man, I haven't listened to this song in a while. I love the beginning of it. Grabs your attention from the get-go)
2. "Barely Someone Known" - The Orbans (ha, a local band. Groovy song, no lie)
3. "Heartless" - Kanye West (don't judge me, it's a good song and a great video)
4. "Stupid" - Seastroke (another local group. Love the pop sound; very catchy)
5. "Locomotion" - John Coltrane
6. "Josephine" - The Wallflowers
I am officially the craziest music lover.
2) If you could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be?
Benedict Cumberbatch, Matthew Bellamy, Kate Winslet, Christopher Nolan, Darren Aronofsky, David Fincher, Charles Kaufman, Harrison Ford, Stephen Fry, Rupert Thomson, Phillip Glass, Yann Tiersen, lots and lots of people!
3) Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 23, give me line 17.
"The backbone of Swedish industry and all that." -The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo
4) What do you think about most?
The future which is just awful but I daydream a lot. The rest of the time, it's whatever book/screenplay idea I'm working on or figuring out what I need to be doing.
5) What does your latest text message from someone else say?
"So hows the picture coming along? Were u able 2 secure ur actors or should I wear a dress and play flo, cause I'm up 4 that if u want, beard and all :-P" -Joseph
6) What's your strangest talent?
Finding almost anything about anyone.
7) Ever had a poem or song written about you?
Yes.
8) When is the last time you played the air guitar?
Earlier tonight...to Celine Dion.
9) Do you have any strange phobias?
I don't know which of these are strange (and which aren't phobias but just little things that mean I'm anal): I'm afraid of really bad thunderstorms because I'm also afraid of tornados. I'm afraid of past due stuff be it food, make-up or anything else that could possibly expire. I'm anal about which towel someone's using and having a towel available in the bathroom and kitchen at all times. You know, I think I'm kind of afraid of people.
10) Ever stuck a foreign object up your nose?
Probably.
11) What's your religion?
Christianity
12) If you are outside, what are you most likely doing?
Reading, writing, walking, running, swimming, playing soccer or drinking.
13) Do you prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it?
I love both. They're equally nerve-wrecking.
14) Simple but extremely complex. Favorite band?
Of all time? The Beatles, of course. Number one favorite band, Muse.
15) What was the last lie you told?
"I didn't kill him, officer." Lolz.
16) What is your greatest weakness; your greatest strength?
My greatest strength is probably being extremely patient with people. My weakness is not doing anything about it when I've lost my patience in them.
17) Who is your celebrity crush?
At the moment? Benedict Cumberbatch.
18) Have you ever gone skinny dipping?
Yep.
19) How do you vent your anger?
I usually don't. But when I do, I enjoy working out, writing and exhaustively pacing.
20) Do you have a collection of anything?
Movie ticket stubs! Oh and sugar packets from around the country from various restaurants.
21) Are you happy with the person you've become?
I can't say just yet. I'm like a cake in the oven - I'm not done yet. Since childhood though, I didn't expect I'd turn out like this but I'm proud of myself.
22) What's a sound you hate; sound you love?
I hate the sound of diapers when kids waddle around in them. And pads for that matter. Anything gloopy hitting something solid. Whining. Mouth-breathers. Toilets flushing. I love the sound of cars - every sound made by a car. I love the sound of record players when you have to flip over to the "B" side. I love the sound of 8mm film running through the camera. I love the sound of any laughter. I love the sound of pen scratches.
23) What's your biggest "what if"?
What if I had admitted how I actually felt?
24) Do you believe in ghosts? How about aliens?
Yes and yes.
25) Stick your right arm out; what do you touch first? Do the same with your left arm.
Right - my favorite teddy bear, Brown Sugar. Left - Rudy's cup of water and my purse simultaneously.
26) Smell the air. What do you smell?
The Scentsy pack in my Scentsy buddy which is a stuffed monkey. The scent is called Skinny Dippin'.
27) What's the worst place you have ever been to?
Most of them are other people's houses: this chick I knew in high school's house, my sister-in-law's apartment when she lived in Garland. My brother's apartment when he lived in Richardson.
28) Choose East Coast or West Coast?
I haven't actually been to the west coast so I can't say for sure. Haven't really been to the east coast either unless you count North Carolina or Washington D.C.
29) Most attractive singer of your opposite gender?
In my opinion, Sondre Lerche. Mmm.
30) What's the weather like right now?
A clear night at 74 degrees.
31) What time is it?
1:02 AM
32) Do you drive? No.
If so, have you ever crashed?
But, I've been in a car accident.
33) What was the last book you read?
The last one I read and finished was The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes. I'm working on The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo and this steamy romance novel with a blind guy.
34) Do you like the smell of gasoline?
Yes.
35) Do you have any nicknames?
I have far too many: Shell-ay, Shulley, ShellBell, Shell, Squeaker, Cindershelley, Rapist Bojangles, Creeper, Shellery...the list continues on and on.
36) What was the last movie you saw?
In class - The Celebration;. At home, Midnight in Paris with the Bestie and League of Extraordinary Gentlemen later. In the theater, Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol, I think.
37) What's the worst injury you've ever had?
I ran into a chair (no, seriously) when I was 3 or 4 and had to get stitches in my forehead.
38) Have you ever caught a butterfly?
Yep just the other day. It was beautiful.
39) Do you have any obsessions right now?
I always have obsessions. In fact, if there is anything constant about me its that.
40) Ever had a rumor spread about you?
Oh, of course. In elementary school, the rumor was that I was a player-whore. In junior high, the rumor was that I was a lesbian.
41) Do you believe in magic?
In a young girl's heart? Just kidding - yes, I do.
42) Do you tend to hold grudges against people who have done you wrong?
I used to tell people that I didn't because I honestly believed I didn't. But, now I've come to realize I have a bunch and they're all from stupid stuff in the past. But they all hurt me, shape me into the person I am today, blah blah. For example, my best friend in 5th grade was this girl Eliana. This guy that liked me, Xavier, was chasing me around at recess over by some mud (it had rained earlier that day) and as he got the upperhand, I slipped in the mud and my whole butt got covered. I went to Eliana to ask for her jacket to cover it up because I didn't have one and she said no. She didn't want to get it dirty. I still hate her for that.
43) What is your astrological sign?
Pisces and boy is it accurate.
44) Do you save money or spend it?
I try extremely hard to save it and I used to be successful. Not so much anymore.
45) What's the last thing you purchased?
Food-wise: Taco Bueno. Material-wise: a pair of boots for Bestie.
46) In a relationship?
Not at the moment. I don't really want to be in one either.
47) How many relationships have you had?
If you count relationships since I was 4, 12. If you're counting since junior high, 7. Since high school, 3. Yep, I had more action when I was much younger.
48) Where were you yesterday?
Well, I started this yesterday so the day before that I went to class then to the radio station then home. Yesterday, work, class, radio station, home, Taco Bueno, home again.
49) Is there anything pink within 10 feet of you?
I'm at the office now and I have pink post-its!
50) Are you wearing socks right now?
Nope.
51) What's your favorite animal?
Horses, dogs, and wolves. But everyone always says that.
52) What is your secret weapon to get someone to like you?
Unnecessarily complimenting them, lots of sarcastic comments, silly jokes, exaggerated sexual advances, finding something they like a lot and letting them talk extensively about it.
53) Where is your best friend?
In class. Oh man, this would've been so much better last night. It would've been, in bed. In the room next to me. Muhahaha!
54) What is your heritage?
Spanish, German, Scots-Irish, Welsh, Native American.
55) What were you doing last night at 12 AM?
Talking to my best friend...while she was in bed ASLEEP. Haha, no, she was awake.
56) Be honest. Ever gotten yourself off?
Well, I've masturbated but not while looking at myself.
57) Are you the kind of friend you would want to have as a friend?
Yes and no. No one's perfect.
58) You are at the doctor’s office and she has just informed you that you have approximately one month to live.
a) Do you tell anyone/everyone you are going to die? I would tell those closest to me but not everyone. Well, maybe I would just because it'd be awkward explaining if they found out later.
b) What do you do with your remaining days? Travel, do daredevil type stuff like bungee jumping, jumping off a waterfall, that sort of thing. The very last day I would watch my favorite films with my favorite people, eating my favorite meal and if I'm with someone, probably have sex with them a lot and hold everyone very, very close at all times. I'd never sleep. At night, I'd write and feel alive.
c) Would you be afraid? It would be a waste of time to be afraid. But, the very last few minutes, I'm sure I would be.
59) What's a song that always makes you happy when you hear it?
Basically, any Beatles, Muse, Temptations, Led Zeppelin, Animals, or Disney song.
60) What are the last four digits in your cell phone number?
Hell nah, I'm not posting that on the internet.
61) How can I win your heart?
By sporadically displaying pictures and videos of Benedict Cumberbatch. Oh! You mean if you were a human instead of a computer. Well, you'd have to be caring, have opinions, not afraid to stand up for what you believe in, not egotistical or self-involved, have a great sense of humor and (somewhat) understand mine, creative and continually trying to get me to do new and exciting things. I love adventure. Oh and it is a major plus if you're into the same music and movies but not like just those. I like watching/listening to new stuff. Just be sure you'll respect my opinions and I'll respect yours. See, not asking for too much.
62) Can insanity bring on more creativity?
Definitely.
63) What is the single best decision you have made in your life so far?
Going to UNT. Doing whatever I can to not have to be under my parents' thumb anymore.
64) What size shoes do you where?
6
65) What is your favorite word?
Cornucopia.
66) Give me the first thing that comes to mind when you hear the word; heart.
An anatomical picture of a heart and the lyrics to "If I Had a Heart" by Fever Ray. And the Wizard of Oz of course. All of those things just jumbled up.
67) What is a saying you say a lot?
"Thug life", "I wasn't going to say anything but...", "Poop in a basket", "Fuck it"
68) What's the last song you listened to?
"Cracks (Flux Pavillion Remix)" - Freestylers
69) Basic question; what's your favorite color/colors?
Yellow, purple, and ocean-y blues.
70) What is your current desktop picture?
On my laptop, its an outdoor photo of a forest in the nighttime fog. At work, the United States slideshow.
71) If you could press a button and make anyone in the world instantaneously explode, who would it be?
I couldn't choose. It's between Rick Santorum, David Letterman, or Kate Hudson.
72) What would be a question you'd be afraid to tell the truth on?
Either, how do you feel about _____? Or, everybody has a secret, what's yours?
73) You accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what's even cooler is that they endow you with the super-power of your choice! What is that power?
The ability to fly and making things materialize out of no where. Oh, you cut yourself? Poof! Here's a bandaid.
74) You can re-live any point of time in your life. The time-span can only be a half-hour, though. What half-hour of your past would you like to experience again?
Any part of my 16th birthday party. Certain moments with certain people that I'll never forget but are far too detailed, it'd be a drag to read.
75) You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be?
If you can reverse death in that context - Tracy. If not, 5th and 6th grade.
76) You have the opportunity to sleep with the music-celebrity of your choice. Who would it be?
SONDRE LERCHE. Possibly Matthew Bellamy but he looks kinda dirty. Plus, he's had sex with Kate Hudson. Gross.
77) You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere. You have to depart right now. Where are you gonna go?
London, England.
78) Do you have any relatives in jail?
Yes.
79) Have you ever thrown up in the car?
Sort of. I threw up outside of the car while I was sitting in it.
80) Ever been on a plane?
Yes, but I was a baby and I don't remember it. Luckily, I'm taking a plane to Washington D.C. with Bestie and her mom! So excited :D
81) If the whole world were listening to you right now, what would you say?
Stop thinking about yourself and think about someone else for once.
82) Give me your top 7 favorite blogs on Tumblr.
thelittlequeen33.tumblr.com
aw8tingannabell.tumblr.com
sisterspock.tumblr.com
hooke-r.tumblr.com
glossfixation.tumblr.com
black-tangled-heart.tumblr.com
surrogate-self.tumblr.com
So there you have it. A stalker's favorite kind of present.
XOXO
Jacks
1) Put your iTunes on shuffle. Give me the first 6 songs that pop up.
1. "Hot Tips" - The D'Urbervilles (man, I haven't listened to this song in a while. I love the beginning of it. Grabs your attention from the get-go)
2. "Barely Someone Known" - The Orbans (ha, a local band. Groovy song, no lie)
3. "Heartless" - Kanye West (don't judge me, it's a good song and a great video)
4. "Stupid" - Seastroke (another local group. Love the pop sound; very catchy)
5. "Locomotion" - John Coltrane
6. "Josephine" - The Wallflowers
I am officially the craziest music lover.
2) If you could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be?
Benedict Cumberbatch, Matthew Bellamy, Kate Winslet, Christopher Nolan, Darren Aronofsky, David Fincher, Charles Kaufman, Harrison Ford, Stephen Fry, Rupert Thomson, Phillip Glass, Yann Tiersen, lots and lots of people!
3) Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 23, give me line 17.
"The backbone of Swedish industry and all that." -The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo
4) What do you think about most?
The future which is just awful but I daydream a lot. The rest of the time, it's whatever book/screenplay idea I'm working on or figuring out what I need to be doing.
5) What does your latest text message from someone else say?
"So hows the picture coming along? Were u able 2 secure ur actors or should I wear a dress and play flo, cause I'm up 4 that if u want, beard and all :-P" -Joseph
6) What's your strangest talent?
Finding almost anything about anyone.
7) Ever had a poem or song written about you?
Yes.
8) When is the last time you played the air guitar?
Earlier tonight...to Celine Dion.
9) Do you have any strange phobias?
I don't know which of these are strange (and which aren't phobias but just little things that mean I'm anal): I'm afraid of really bad thunderstorms because I'm also afraid of tornados. I'm afraid of past due stuff be it food, make-up or anything else that could possibly expire. I'm anal about which towel someone's using and having a towel available in the bathroom and kitchen at all times. You know, I think I'm kind of afraid of people.
10) Ever stuck a foreign object up your nose?
Probably.
11) What's your religion?
Christianity
12) If you are outside, what are you most likely doing?
Reading, writing, walking, running, swimming, playing soccer or drinking.
13) Do you prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it?
I love both. They're equally nerve-wrecking.
14) Simple but extremely complex. Favorite band?
Of all time? The Beatles, of course. Number one favorite band, Muse.
15) What was the last lie you told?
"I didn't kill him, officer." Lolz.
16) What is your greatest weakness; your greatest strength?
My greatest strength is probably being extremely patient with people. My weakness is not doing anything about it when I've lost my patience in them.
17) Who is your celebrity crush?
At the moment? Benedict Cumberbatch.
18) Have you ever gone skinny dipping?
Yep.
19) How do you vent your anger?
I usually don't. But when I do, I enjoy working out, writing and exhaustively pacing.
20) Do you have a collection of anything?
Movie ticket stubs! Oh and sugar packets from around the country from various restaurants.
21) Are you happy with the person you've become?
I can't say just yet. I'm like a cake in the oven - I'm not done yet. Since childhood though, I didn't expect I'd turn out like this but I'm proud of myself.
22) What's a sound you hate; sound you love?
I hate the sound of diapers when kids waddle around in them. And pads for that matter. Anything gloopy hitting something solid. Whining. Mouth-breathers. Toilets flushing. I love the sound of cars - every sound made by a car. I love the sound of record players when you have to flip over to the "B" side. I love the sound of 8mm film running through the camera. I love the sound of any laughter. I love the sound of pen scratches.
23) What's your biggest "what if"?
What if I had admitted how I actually felt?
24) Do you believe in ghosts? How about aliens?
Yes and yes.
25) Stick your right arm out; what do you touch first? Do the same with your left arm.
Right - my favorite teddy bear, Brown Sugar. Left - Rudy's cup of water and my purse simultaneously.
26) Smell the air. What do you smell?
The Scentsy pack in my Scentsy buddy which is a stuffed monkey. The scent is called Skinny Dippin'.
27) What's the worst place you have ever been to?
Most of them are other people's houses: this chick I knew in high school's house, my sister-in-law's apartment when she lived in Garland. My brother's apartment when he lived in Richardson.
28) Choose East Coast or West Coast?
I haven't actually been to the west coast so I can't say for sure. Haven't really been to the east coast either unless you count North Carolina or Washington D.C.
29) Most attractive singer of your opposite gender?
In my opinion, Sondre Lerche. Mmm.
30) What's the weather like right now?
A clear night at 74 degrees.
31) What time is it?
1:02 AM
32) Do you drive? No.
If so, have you ever crashed?
But, I've been in a car accident.
33) What was the last book you read?
The last one I read and finished was The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes. I'm working on The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo and this steamy romance novel with a blind guy.
34) Do you like the smell of gasoline?
Yes.
35) Do you have any nicknames?
I have far too many: Shell-ay, Shulley, ShellBell, Shell, Squeaker, Cindershelley, Rapist Bojangles, Creeper, Shellery...the list continues on and on.
36) What was the last movie you saw?
In class - The Celebration;. At home, Midnight in Paris with the Bestie and League of Extraordinary Gentlemen later. In the theater, Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol, I think.
37) What's the worst injury you've ever had?
I ran into a chair (no, seriously) when I was 3 or 4 and had to get stitches in my forehead.
38) Have you ever caught a butterfly?
Yep just the other day. It was beautiful.
39) Do you have any obsessions right now?
I always have obsessions. In fact, if there is anything constant about me its that.
40) Ever had a rumor spread about you?
Oh, of course. In elementary school, the rumor was that I was a player-whore. In junior high, the rumor was that I was a lesbian.
41) Do you believe in magic?
In a young girl's heart? Just kidding - yes, I do.
42) Do you tend to hold grudges against people who have done you wrong?
I used to tell people that I didn't because I honestly believed I didn't. But, now I've come to realize I have a bunch and they're all from stupid stuff in the past. But they all hurt me, shape me into the person I am today, blah blah. For example, my best friend in 5th grade was this girl Eliana. This guy that liked me, Xavier, was chasing me around at recess over by some mud (it had rained earlier that day) and as he got the upperhand, I slipped in the mud and my whole butt got covered. I went to Eliana to ask for her jacket to cover it up because I didn't have one and she said no. She didn't want to get it dirty. I still hate her for that.
43) What is your astrological sign?
Pisces and boy is it accurate.
44) Do you save money or spend it?
I try extremely hard to save it and I used to be successful. Not so much anymore.
45) What's the last thing you purchased?
Food-wise: Taco Bueno. Material-wise: a pair of boots for Bestie.
46) In a relationship?
Not at the moment. I don't really want to be in one either.
47) How many relationships have you had?
If you count relationships since I was 4, 12. If you're counting since junior high, 7. Since high school, 3. Yep, I had more action when I was much younger.
48) Where were you yesterday?
Well, I started this yesterday so the day before that I went to class then to the radio station then home. Yesterday, work, class, radio station, home, Taco Bueno, home again.
49) Is there anything pink within 10 feet of you?
I'm at the office now and I have pink post-its!
50) Are you wearing socks right now?
Nope.
51) What's your favorite animal?
Horses, dogs, and wolves. But everyone always says that.
52) What is your secret weapon to get someone to like you?
Unnecessarily complimenting them, lots of sarcastic comments, silly jokes, exaggerated sexual advances, finding something they like a lot and letting them talk extensively about it.
53) Where is your best friend?
In class. Oh man, this would've been so much better last night. It would've been, in bed. In the room next to me. Muhahaha!
54) What is your heritage?
Spanish, German, Scots-Irish, Welsh, Native American.
55) What were you doing last night at 12 AM?
Talking to my best friend...while she was in bed ASLEEP. Haha, no, she was awake.
56) Be honest. Ever gotten yourself off?
Well, I've masturbated but not while looking at myself.
57) Are you the kind of friend you would want to have as a friend?
Yes and no. No one's perfect.
58) You are at the doctor’s office and she has just informed you that you have approximately one month to live.
a) Do you tell anyone/everyone you are going to die? I would tell those closest to me but not everyone. Well, maybe I would just because it'd be awkward explaining if they found out later.
b) What do you do with your remaining days? Travel, do daredevil type stuff like bungee jumping, jumping off a waterfall, that sort of thing. The very last day I would watch my favorite films with my favorite people, eating my favorite meal and if I'm with someone, probably have sex with them a lot and hold everyone very, very close at all times. I'd never sleep. At night, I'd write and feel alive.
c) Would you be afraid? It would be a waste of time to be afraid. But, the very last few minutes, I'm sure I would be.
59) What's a song that always makes you happy when you hear it?
Basically, any Beatles, Muse, Temptations, Led Zeppelin, Animals, or Disney song.
60) What are the last four digits in your cell phone number?
Hell nah, I'm not posting that on the internet.
61) How can I win your heart?
By sporadically displaying pictures and videos of Benedict Cumberbatch. Oh! You mean if you were a human instead of a computer. Well, you'd have to be caring, have opinions, not afraid to stand up for what you believe in, not egotistical or self-involved, have a great sense of humor and (somewhat) understand mine, creative and continually trying to get me to do new and exciting things. I love adventure. Oh and it is a major plus if you're into the same music and movies but not like just those. I like watching/listening to new stuff. Just be sure you'll respect my opinions and I'll respect yours. See, not asking for too much.
62) Can insanity bring on more creativity?
Definitely.
63) What is the single best decision you have made in your life so far?
Going to UNT. Doing whatever I can to not have to be under my parents' thumb anymore.
64) What size shoes do you where?
6
65) What is your favorite word?
Cornucopia.
66) Give me the first thing that comes to mind when you hear the word; heart.
An anatomical picture of a heart and the lyrics to "If I Had a Heart" by Fever Ray. And the Wizard of Oz of course. All of those things just jumbled up.
67) What is a saying you say a lot?
"Thug life", "I wasn't going to say anything but...", "Poop in a basket", "Fuck it"
68) What's the last song you listened to?
"Cracks (Flux Pavillion Remix)" - Freestylers
69) Basic question; what's your favorite color/colors?
Yellow, purple, and ocean-y blues.
70) What is your current desktop picture?
On my laptop, its an outdoor photo of a forest in the nighttime fog. At work, the United States slideshow.
71) If you could press a button and make anyone in the world instantaneously explode, who would it be?
I couldn't choose. It's between Rick Santorum, David Letterman, or Kate Hudson.
72) What would be a question you'd be afraid to tell the truth on?
Either, how do you feel about _____? Or, everybody has a secret, what's yours?
73) You accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what's even cooler is that they endow you with the super-power of your choice! What is that power?
The ability to fly and making things materialize out of no where. Oh, you cut yourself? Poof! Here's a bandaid.
74) You can re-live any point of time in your life. The time-span can only be a half-hour, though. What half-hour of your past would you like to experience again?
Any part of my 16th birthday party. Certain moments with certain people that I'll never forget but are far too detailed, it'd be a drag to read.
75) You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be?
If you can reverse death in that context - Tracy. If not, 5th and 6th grade.
76) You have the opportunity to sleep with the music-celebrity of your choice. Who would it be?
SONDRE LERCHE. Possibly Matthew Bellamy but he looks kinda dirty. Plus, he's had sex with Kate Hudson. Gross.
77) You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere. You have to depart right now. Where are you gonna go?
London, England.
78) Do you have any relatives in jail?
Yes.
79) Have you ever thrown up in the car?
Sort of. I threw up outside of the car while I was sitting in it.
80) Ever been on a plane?
Yes, but I was a baby and I don't remember it. Luckily, I'm taking a plane to Washington D.C. with Bestie and her mom! So excited :D
81) If the whole world were listening to you right now, what would you say?
Stop thinking about yourself and think about someone else for once.
82) Give me your top 7 favorite blogs on Tumblr.
thelittlequeen33.tumblr.com
aw8tingannabell.tumblr.com
sisterspock.tumblr.com
hooke-r.tumblr.com
glossfixation.tumblr.com
black-tangled-heart.tumblr.com
surrogate-self.tumblr.com
So there you have it. A stalker's favorite kind of present.
XOXO
Jacks
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
You are the Ocean & I'm Good at Drowning
Sometimes I scare myself.
I've touched on my numerous obsessions before in past entries but it's now more than that. It feels like it's more than that. I just hesitated as I wrote this because I know who's reading this very blog. Well, there's you, dear reader. And I don't want you to think I'm insane or creepy or something less than myself because no matter what, I'm me. There's only one. That's not an excuse but I know, no matter what, it isn't always about being accepted but being loved.
Love.
Today I realized two things;
1) It is difficult for me to get close to people.
and
2) I obsess over people.
You're probably wondering, just like I did, how that's possible. How someone could simultaneously not form relationships while also managing to have numerous friends and know plenty of people that they can obsess over. I don't have an answer to that. That's why I'm writing this blog. I want to describe what it's like inside of my mine so that, hopefully together, we can come to one conclusion that doesn't automatically mean throwing me into the loony bin.
I see every detail about you. The physical traits strike me first and even though they aren't perfect, I still want to be aware of every square inch of your body for my own mental-safekeeping. The physical traits are half the details about you anyway. I see everything else. The way you move. The way you look at the camera and pout to your significant other. The way you put on make-up and let people assume you don't really care about the finer details. I see the relationships you have - your best friend, your sibling, your parents, practically everyone. I orchestrate my life around yours. I tune myself to your melody. I see the finest details as if they are just notes on the page. Whenever your name passes my thoughts or finds its way past my lips, I hole up into myself - tense shoulders, stubborn knees, wide eyes. I'm tense always. An awkward girl in an awkward turtle's shell of anxiousness thinking about you.
I've made lists and lists about you - what clothes you wear, what music you listen to, what books you read, what food you love. Everything. Why? Somewhere in my mind, it is acceptable to know every single detail about you and document it all in my mind so that I can be constantly aware of you. I may not be observant but boy, can I poke and prod until I am.
The worst part is that it doesn't stop there. You influence me in ways I wish you didn't. You make me weak and strong at the same time. I dream of our lives becoming intertwined and I want to involve myself as I watch the conversation that updates every few seconds on your Facebook wall. Through my endless sources, I can almost touch you. Hear you. You are the star of the film I've made of you in my mind. People joke that I would slice off someone's skin so I could wear it and you know what? I would if it meant I could be you.
It isn't anything sexual. Far from it. I just like to sit and think about being near you again. About having a conversation with you about something minute. Other times, I have daydreams where I am you. I soak up the life I can have from each and every day being you and keep them locked away in case I want to pull them out again.
How can I do that? Get close to people without them getting close to me?
How can I let you do that?
How can I want to be you?
You.
This isn't love. This is obsession and I am terrified.
And that, my friends, is what it's like being inside my head while having a girl crush that just won't go away. I don't believe they ever will.
XOXO
Jacks
I've touched on my numerous obsessions before in past entries but it's now more than that. It feels like it's more than that. I just hesitated as I wrote this because I know who's reading this very blog. Well, there's you, dear reader. And I don't want you to think I'm insane or creepy or something less than myself because no matter what, I'm me. There's only one. That's not an excuse but I know, no matter what, it isn't always about being accepted but being loved.
Love.
Today I realized two things;
1) It is difficult for me to get close to people.
and
2) I obsess over people.
You're probably wondering, just like I did, how that's possible. How someone could simultaneously not form relationships while also managing to have numerous friends and know plenty of people that they can obsess over. I don't have an answer to that. That's why I'm writing this blog. I want to describe what it's like inside of my mine so that, hopefully together, we can come to one conclusion that doesn't automatically mean throwing me into the loony bin.
I see every detail about you. The physical traits strike me first and even though they aren't perfect, I still want to be aware of every square inch of your body for my own mental-safekeeping. The physical traits are half the details about you anyway. I see everything else. The way you move. The way you look at the camera and pout to your significant other. The way you put on make-up and let people assume you don't really care about the finer details. I see the relationships you have - your best friend, your sibling, your parents, practically everyone. I orchestrate my life around yours. I tune myself to your melody. I see the finest details as if they are just notes on the page. Whenever your name passes my thoughts or finds its way past my lips, I hole up into myself - tense shoulders, stubborn knees, wide eyes. I'm tense always. An awkward girl in an awkward turtle's shell of anxiousness thinking about you.
I've made lists and lists about you - what clothes you wear, what music you listen to, what books you read, what food you love. Everything. Why? Somewhere in my mind, it is acceptable to know every single detail about you and document it all in my mind so that I can be constantly aware of you. I may not be observant but boy, can I poke and prod until I am.
The worst part is that it doesn't stop there. You influence me in ways I wish you didn't. You make me weak and strong at the same time. I dream of our lives becoming intertwined and I want to involve myself as I watch the conversation that updates every few seconds on your Facebook wall. Through my endless sources, I can almost touch you. Hear you. You are the star of the film I've made of you in my mind. People joke that I would slice off someone's skin so I could wear it and you know what? I would if it meant I could be you.
It isn't anything sexual. Far from it. I just like to sit and think about being near you again. About having a conversation with you about something minute. Other times, I have daydreams where I am you. I soak up the life I can have from each and every day being you and keep them locked away in case I want to pull them out again.
How can I do that? Get close to people without them getting close to me?
How can I let you do that?
How can I want to be you?
You.
This isn't love. This is obsession and I am terrified.
And that, my friends, is what it's like being inside my head while having a girl crush that just won't go away. I don't believe they ever will.
XOXO
Jacks
Friday, March 9, 2012
I'm in Love With a Strict Machine
I've been talking, dreaming and whining about my future for years, maybe even a decade. And finally, finally I have the plan. See, I think my problem was that I wasn't confident in my abilities, in the future, in what I'm doing now in order to prepare. But, I think I was making it more complicated than it needed to be.
Here's the plan:
1) Get hired as a personal assistant to an actor or actress in the UK.
2) I now have a work visa in the UK as well as having my foot in the film industry door which means
3) Get a position within the industry, most likely screenwriter.
I think that's been my destiny all along. Screenwriter. Saying it is weird, though. I can say I'm almost positive of the personal assistant gig (though I do need a plan B) but screenwriter? I never imagined myself going down that route. Unless you count novelist but those are two very different things.
I realized recently that screenwriter has to be it because I'm not very good at handling the camera, picking out the shots, dealing with the sound levels - none of that. What I'm good at is ideas. Furthering the plot. Drawing out the characters. Trying to make something unique from something that's boring or contrived. And I can do it quickly.
Maybe I'll move up the ladder to produce films, maybe even direct. All I know is that I have so many stories to tell and I love film.
So. That's the plan. Now, to think up plan B...
In other news, my best friend is becoming a priestess today. I can't be more proud. I'm not sure what to do...or if I should do anything. I don't know. Take more classes perhaps? I feel more connected to her than ever before and feel its needed to do something no matter how small.
Hmm.
XOXO
Jacks
Here's the plan:
1) Get hired as a personal assistant to an actor or actress in the UK.
2) I now have a work visa in the UK as well as having my foot in the film industry door which means
3) Get a position within the industry, most likely screenwriter.
I think that's been my destiny all along. Screenwriter. Saying it is weird, though. I can say I'm almost positive of the personal assistant gig (though I do need a plan B) but screenwriter? I never imagined myself going down that route. Unless you count novelist but those are two very different things.
I realized recently that screenwriter has to be it because I'm not very good at handling the camera, picking out the shots, dealing with the sound levels - none of that. What I'm good at is ideas. Furthering the plot. Drawing out the characters. Trying to make something unique from something that's boring or contrived. And I can do it quickly.
Maybe I'll move up the ladder to produce films, maybe even direct. All I know is that I have so many stories to tell and I love film.
So. That's the plan. Now, to think up plan B...
In other news, my best friend is becoming a priestess today. I can't be more proud. I'm not sure what to do...or if I should do anything. I don't know. Take more classes perhaps? I feel more connected to her than ever before and feel its needed to do something no matter how small.
Hmm.
XOXO
Jacks
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
My Fantasy Has Turned to Madness
Often, I find that I fear myself. When I dated Terry, I was convinced that what was really wrong was that I feared what I was capable of. Half the time, I don't do much of anything that I'm capable of which is a good or bad thing, depending on the situation and how you look at it. I may miss a lot of opportunities or chances at getting close to people. But that's the problem. I feel as though bad things happen when I get close to people. Of course there's good things too and a lot of my relationships can be noted as successful but then why am I scared?
No one's perfect. I know that. Shit, everyone knows that. But, what if I hurt someone irreparably? What if I hurt myself? What if I become obsessed and become that weird girl yet again? What if I ignore the feelings until its too late? What if I push the feelings too hard and get bored?
I haven't felt alone in a long time.
I hated typing that sentence. In fact, I'm simultaneously thinking, "Fuck her, Jacks! She doesn't know what the hell she's talking about. You don't need a boyfriend (or girlfriend for that matter)! All you need is you and your friends. Who gives a fuck about sappy love?"
And that side of me is equally correct. But I know she's speaking out of fear. Fear that I'll wreck something, that I won't be realistic, that I'll become obsessed.
God. That's the real fucking problem. Obsessions. It makes me feel disgustingly evil how obsessive I get. When it happens, I fall into this hole and no matter how important I know the sun and the ground above me is good and right, I just want to curiously burrow further and further, crawling beneath the earth until I'm covered in dirt, going so far that I find the skeletons in the proverbial closet and uncover a marvelous treasure.
Snapping back to reality is like that awkward chapter in a novel after the main character has done something huge and needs to move on to the next thing but can't because, well you've got to have the boring build-up.
Even if the build-up and the climax aren't reality at all.
XOXO
Jacks
No one's perfect. I know that. Shit, everyone knows that. But, what if I hurt someone irreparably? What if I hurt myself? What if I become obsessed and become that weird girl yet again? What if I ignore the feelings until its too late? What if I push the feelings too hard and get bored?
I haven't felt alone in a long time.
I hated typing that sentence. In fact, I'm simultaneously thinking, "Fuck her, Jacks! She doesn't know what the hell she's talking about. You don't need a boyfriend (or girlfriend for that matter)! All you need is you and your friends. Who gives a fuck about sappy love?"
And that side of me is equally correct. But I know she's speaking out of fear. Fear that I'll wreck something, that I won't be realistic, that I'll become obsessed.
God. That's the real fucking problem. Obsessions. It makes me feel disgustingly evil how obsessive I get. When it happens, I fall into this hole and no matter how important I know the sun and the ground above me is good and right, I just want to curiously burrow further and further, crawling beneath the earth until I'm covered in dirt, going so far that I find the skeletons in the proverbial closet and uncover a marvelous treasure.
Snapping back to reality is like that awkward chapter in a novel after the main character has done something huge and needs to move on to the next thing but can't because, well you've got to have the boring build-up.
Even if the build-up and the climax aren't reality at all.
XOXO
Jacks
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