When I am sad my first instinct is to write about it. Usually, I write everything I would like to say to someone or to myself or try and say what I am feeling at that very moment, all composed safely in my head and I don't let it escape. I'm afraid to let it escape because I'm not sure what damage it will cause. Tonight is no different. I sit on my bed, on my computer once again, listening to The Fountain soundtrack after consuming three Smithwick's and watching The Deep Blue Sea.
It was my own fault. I shouldn't have drank. I shouldn't have watched a film that I knew was going to be depressing considering it is based on a Terence Rattigan play. And I really shouldn't be listening to The Fountain soundtrack. But, as I once told Bestie, every song on that album is what my heart is playing and tonight, I realized how that statement was true.
I am heartbroken. I feel betrayed. Lost. Melancholic. Regretful. Guilty. And I've been feeling this way a long time but I never realized it.
How can someone not realize it? Well, when you are let down again and again and again, you begin to wonder if maybe it was really all your fault. You've been guilted before, maybe that's why you feel so sad now because you really are the cause of it all. Everyone leaves you for a reason, you know. Why are you surprised? Ignore those feelings. Every one of them. They will lead you no where except a place where you will hurt every one around you. You know how you're afraid of being completely and absolutely alone for the rest of you life? Well, that is exactly what's going to happen if you allow yourself to feel those things.
When I think about it, I can't blame anyone. I push you all away. I pretend like nothing can phase me. That I can work through anything, create some optimistic world where love is all that is needed. But in the farthest depths of my soul, I know that that won't ever happen. I only hope and pray because I have nothing left.
That's a little overdramatic and I take it back. I have my best friend and she is the most amazing person I have ever met and will ever meet as long as I live. I love her and appreciate her very deeply and I never am good at showing such love. Or so I think. She's probably glaring at me for saying such things. I know she loves me.
I'm going to be honest with you, its so very hard to type this.
My family betrayed me. They let me down. And not just once but many times over and over. I no longer have their support. I no longer have their respect. I have nothing from them when all I do is give, give, give.
How? You're probably wondering. How can you keep giving to a group of people who are nothing but hate and sadness and selfishness?
I don't know! I don't know. Exactly because they are my family. I didn't choose them. From a very early age, I gathered that family was everything. No, no, seriously - every-fucking-thing.
They would be there for you no matter what. They would support you no matter what. They were your best friends and your worst enemies because they loved you and wanted to give you the world but couldn't and that that was okay because at least they tried.
Well they didn't fucking try. They haven't done a damn thing for themselves or for me. They buy me things. They buy me useless Hello Kitty memorobilla, jewelry, clothes, electronics, whatever the fuck I don't actually want they give it to me.
Why don't they understand that all I want is for them to be happy, dammit? Why can't they see that? And why can't they just fucking try for fucking once my fucking God. I hate them. And I hate saying those words so much but I hate them. I can't tell you how many times I've wished that they would just die so they might actually be happy and stop putting me through this hell.
It sucks even more because of my 'training' I've been brought up to think that I'm just like them. That getting my dad to buy me a thumb drive and headphones was selfish and greedy. That making my brother cart me around town was greedy. That making my mother feel terrible for not giving me rent money again was mean and cruel.
My mind is empty right now. All of what I'm saying is pure instinct and I can't breathe because my nose is entirely blocked from snot. I can hardly see this screen and my fingers because of all the tears falling onto my mousepad and making it difficult for me to scroll. I literally cannot breathe because my heart hurts so badly.
Who am I? Is all I am just trained words?
Do you know that actually, right now, I'm thinking that this is so fucking selfish. That someone out there has it so much worse. That my pain is nothing. That I'm nothing.
Well someone who loves me very much told me that I am something. That I'm important. And that's why, tonight I type these words because no matter how many people are out there in pain and in sadness, with broken hearts and tears left unshed, you still matter. You still have your problems and your issues and you know what? Someone is out there who would love to hear about them and help you feel better.
God, all I wanted to do was be good. To inspire someone maybe. To be one of your children. I might just be. But, I've got to say - this pain is unbearable. And I am so very, very angry. I can't say that it is your fault or beg you why you did this. Because you didn't. And neither did I. Something good will come from it.
Just hold me. Hold me and whisper your love because that's all I can bear.
I know I shouldn't apologize for my feelings but I am sorry you had to read such dreadful things.
I will be much happier in years to come.
XOXO
Jacks
