You'll be Damned to Pining Through the Windowpanes You Know

From "Australia" by the Shins.

I'm using this lyric this afternoon in relation to the ongoing battle in my head. I know it's bad to dream constantly about the future or dream in general. In completely cliche terms, when I was a kid, I did fantastically well in school while also maintaining another life inside my head. When I got older and people made me aware of how different I think and how different I was from the person in my head, I fell further and further into the dreamworld and farther away from reality. Recently, it has been my mission with the help of my relentless and loyal guide, to regain reality, to exist in a happy present instead of avoiding it altogether. So far, this mission has been successful in various areas of my life - until something happened and all I can do is dream. It doesn't help that I'm a Pisces or that I'm so close I can feel everything that I've ever wanted to touch be an inch away. And it especially doesn't help when quotes like this pop up,

Radcliffe met girlfriend Rosie Coker, a production assistant, on the set of the last Potter film. “When Rosie’s here, every day seems better. Ultimately, I think, it comes down to that—having somebody in your life who makes you happier than you thought you could be.” He adds, “I’m not an easy person to love. There are lots of times when I’m a very good boyfriend, but there are times when I’m useless. I mean, I’m a mess around the house. I talk nonstop. I become obsessed with things [fantasy football, most recently]. And she listens to it, and she loves me for my oddness, my awkwardness, all of those things that I hate about myself.”

And all I want to do is leave and move to London.

BUT.

Everything is fantastic right now. Problems, issues and drama will never abate but that's half the entertainment. Not to mention, The Vagina Monologues are quickly approaching, my 21st birthday is less than a month away and I'm finally getting a chance to put together a 3-4 minute long film. That's right, a real film. People have won awards for films shorter than that!

To summarize, I know what I need to do. I need to get my head out of the clouds and maintain reality in the simplest and best ways possible. Have fun. Focus on the path not just the result that may not even happen. Everyone's an escapist but why hasn't anyone thought of escaping into the present?

XOXO
Jacks

She Got Jumper Cable Lips

Ahhh, one of my all-time favorite lines from lyrics. The song: "40 Day Dream" performed by Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeroes. How exclusively indie/hipster I am.

So today I'm manning down the fort at work today. After spending two and a half hours on tumblr, I began a little bit of work until I was satisfied for a few minutes. Enough that I could forgive myself for jumping onto Netflix and watching the good clips of Benedict Cumberbatch as Stephen Ezard on the BBC series The Last Enemy. But then that too got boring. Got on Facebook. Same results.

And then of course, the whole time I'm dreaming about the future. Making love to the idea of traveling all over the world, wherever Benedict will go, as his personal assistant. Which, mind you, is a pretty creepy dream but I'm starting to think that yeah, I'm attracted to him. Wouldn't mind being in a relationship with him but the desire to become his personal assistant is totally separate from wanting to lay next to him in bed.

Right?

God, maybe I am a fucking stalker. I know I'm decently good at following people. Researching people. Just all around being a creepy fuck but...I also want to get hired because this'll be a good foot in the door for my future with BBC or the British film industry in general.

Oh and, by the way, I'm probably going to be deleting this blog if I ever do happen to apply to be his personal assistant. O_O

I just hope its a reasonable dream. Not that dreams have to be but I keep needing to be reassured that it's viable and not as creepy as I keep thinking. I just know he needs help. How do I know, you ask. Simple: interviews. Sure, not the most honest thing in the world but seriously folks, he's got an agent, a publicist and maybe a driver and cleaner.

But that's it. The poor guy was late to a meeting with Spielberg to discuss being cast for War Horse.

SPIELBERG, PEOPLE.

At least the guy was cool with him being late.

But, c'mon, picture it: if he had an assistant like moi, he'll never be late again in his life. In another interview, the writer of the article described his tired appearance and brainless actions (using skim milk instead of cream) and the like. Oh and mentioned that he had said he keeps double-booking himself.

Yep. Definitely needs help.

But I can't just say that. What kind of a plan is it to e-mail his publicist and say, "Out of the kindness of my heart, I'm offering to help your client, Mr. Benedict Cumberbatch, with his endeavors in the film industry. I think he really needs some help with time management, scheduling and other minute duties and I'm your girl for the job. Sure, I'm only a junior in college and don't have much background in the personal assistant job but I promise I've got skills!"

Yeah, don't think that'd go over too well.

Ah, well. I guess I'll keep dreaming. Let's not forget about becoming a runner for the third season of Sherlock.

XOXO
Jacks

I'll See What Tomorrow Brings

I'm really into "If I Had a Heart" by Fever Ray at the moment in case you were wondering what song I took the above title from. Yeah, I'm really just a creative thief and sometimes succubus who lives on sucking out the creativity of others.

Oops. Let on a little too much, there.

Anyway, the topic of today's blog is the frustration that's been gnawing at me since I was very young, actually. I've always loved films. Film, music, books and writing. Nothing new, nothing special. But ever since those early days, I've wanted nothing more than to be amongst people of that magnitude. People like actors, musicians, novelists, screenwriters, directors - all of them. I haven't got a whole lot to my name but I want to try. I want to join in on their fun, go on adventures, get lost in art.

How beautiful, getting lost in art.

Plus, I've always been that sort of person who has this strangely obsessive desire to be friends with the "cool" people. But it was never really about them being cool but rather that they were always doing something. Well, at least that's what I kept thinking. That they must have the most fun if they're so popular. Later, I learned that it's not a whole lot of "fun" but rather more about just going through life being whatever and sometimes, not giving a fuck.

I care far too much and have been too much of a rule abider since Day One. Just last night, I realized how big of a loser I am: I still don't eat Laffy Taffy or chew on ice because my dentist told me not too. I'm pretty sure I cried when I first stole something. And the one time I got into really big trouble in high school, I thought it was going to be on my permanent record.

And that's the thing! Popular kids, it always seemed, had to be the bright, hopeful role models or whatever or be perfect in their families but when it came down to it, they got up to the craziest shit.

Then again, this is all probably skewed thanks to shows like Gossip Girl. Also, I've had my bouts of craziness and had a good time in high school, don't get me wrong.

I don't know. I just feel like I have this capacity to do so much more than I am and...I still haven't figured out exactly how. Or when. Or where, even. Not that there has to be much discussion over it. Maybe I'm too much of a coward. But how exactly do you get involved with adventures? Obviously, you can't wait around expecting someone to turn up and cause havoc a la the Doctor but, it'd still be nice. And easier.

Okay, so I'm a coward and lazy. Super.

I really just want to have my entire life centered around good conversation, adventure and being an inspiration to someone.

And film? Well, how can you not love film?

Someone please just donate a shit ton of money to me so I can move to L.A. or London. I really kinda just wanna go to Wales and walk straight up to the BBC studio there and demand a job.

That works, doesn't it?

XOXO
Jacks

I Just Want to Get Out

Lately, I've been feeling kind of stupid. Like, all along, I should've been listening to myself, to my body, to my subconscious/unconscious/whatever and I didn't. I may be a little behind than everyone else but now I'm pretty much clued into what's going on.

I know it's not easy to say "au revoir" to all the hurt, the pain - everything - and become me again (whoever me is). If it was easy, I wouldn't be having problems in the first place, eh? In any case, it seems as though not only is it not easy but it just doesn't feel right to be doing it now. Not that there's ever really a good time. It's like people with New Years resolutions. Don't get me wrong, those are fantastic especially when you abide by them. But, my question is always, well, why did you have to wait until New Years to make this list? You can change whenever you want, whenever it feels right and whenever you're ready. I'm not a deadline sort of person but when it comes to important stuff, you can betcha I"ve got a "to do" list, alarms set and calendar events penciled in (to my phone so figuratively speaking).

This would all be fine and dandy if I knew what the hell I should be doing. I've got my homework, mind you, and I'm eternally grateful to those who give out the homework. Definitely worthy of the title of "teachers".

But, there's something else wrong. The fact that (big surprise here) I'm just so tired. Lazy. And a bit of a coward. All I want to do is go move somewhere else - away from my entire family, really. Away from my two jobs. Away from a lot of things. Being away from friends and people who genuinely love me would more than just suck. But, they would know I'd need it.

Or they'd tell me to stop running away and face the music. One or the other.

I just...I feel like I've gotten this far in the little shithole I made for myself, what's the point in trying to climb up? Why not just keep tunneling - only start tunneling to the right or left or something?

I feel like I can't go back, basically. I can't pretend. I certainly can't fake it. And if I'm in a new place, no one will know the difference. They'll just assume I've always had issues and like me for 'em or something.

(hopefully)

It's so silly. Way to be a coward, Jacks.

So, that's why I'm going to stop being a coward and just...be happy. Enjoy life. Love myself. Thank God that I'm alive and well and have a job and all sorts of other things. Especially the big one - surrounded by people that love me. I may have been lonely today but it was sort of made up. As in, I only thought I was lonely because I was feeling sorry for myself and the people I had pushed away in the process of God-knows-what...self-discovery?

At first, I wanted to hangout with someone I hadn't seen in a while maybe or just anyone. But after the two delegates weren't available, I realized there wasn't anyone else, really. I hadn't bothered getting close to anyone else. I didn't really mind. I mean, I like spending time alone. Just made me feel kinda lame like what a sorry excuse of a friend I must be.

So.

Here's the plan:

-I start loving myself.
-Get my shit together.
-Get closer to people (especially in my major. Might help in the future)
-And...I don't know. Go on adventures.

That's what I keep dreaming about anyway so why not make those dreams come true?

XOXO
Jacks