I'll See What Tomorrow Brings

I'm really into "If I Had a Heart" by Fever Ray at the moment in case you were wondering what song I took the above title from. Yeah, I'm really just a creative thief and sometimes succubus who lives on sucking out the creativity of others.

Oops. Let on a little too much, there.

Anyway, the topic of today's blog is the frustration that's been gnawing at me since I was very young, actually. I've always loved films. Film, music, books and writing. Nothing new, nothing special. But ever since those early days, I've wanted nothing more than to be amongst people of that magnitude. People like actors, musicians, novelists, screenwriters, directors - all of them. I haven't got a whole lot to my name but I want to try. I want to join in on their fun, go on adventures, get lost in art.

How beautiful, getting lost in art.

Plus, I've always been that sort of person who has this strangely obsessive desire to be friends with the "cool" people. But it was never really about them being cool but rather that they were always doing something. Well, at least that's what I kept thinking. That they must have the most fun if they're so popular. Later, I learned that it's not a whole lot of "fun" but rather more about just going through life being whatever and sometimes, not giving a fuck.

I care far too much and have been too much of a rule abider since Day One. Just last night, I realized how big of a loser I am: I still don't eat Laffy Taffy or chew on ice because my dentist told me not too. I'm pretty sure I cried when I first stole something. And the one time I got into really big trouble in high school, I thought it was going to be on my permanent record.

And that's the thing! Popular kids, it always seemed, had to be the bright, hopeful role models or whatever or be perfect in their families but when it came down to it, they got up to the craziest shit.

Then again, this is all probably skewed thanks to shows like Gossip Girl. Also, I've had my bouts of craziness and had a good time in high school, don't get me wrong.

I don't know. I just feel like I have this capacity to do so much more than I am and...I still haven't figured out exactly how. Or when. Or where, even. Not that there has to be much discussion over it. Maybe I'm too much of a coward. But how exactly do you get involved with adventures? Obviously, you can't wait around expecting someone to turn up and cause havoc a la the Doctor but, it'd still be nice. And easier.

Okay, so I'm a coward and lazy. Super.

I really just want to have my entire life centered around good conversation, adventure and being an inspiration to someone.

And film? Well, how can you not love film?

Someone please just donate a shit ton of money to me so I can move to L.A. or London. I really kinda just wanna go to Wales and walk straight up to the BBC studio there and demand a job.

That works, doesn't it?

XOXO
Jacks