I Just Want to Get Out

Lately, I've been feeling kind of stupid. Like, all along, I should've been listening to myself, to my body, to my subconscious/unconscious/whatever and I didn't. I may be a little behind than everyone else but now I'm pretty much clued into what's going on.

I know it's not easy to say "au revoir" to all the hurt, the pain - everything - and become me again (whoever me is). If it was easy, I wouldn't be having problems in the first place, eh? In any case, it seems as though not only is it not easy but it just doesn't feel right to be doing it now. Not that there's ever really a good time. It's like people with New Years resolutions. Don't get me wrong, those are fantastic especially when you abide by them. But, my question is always, well, why did you have to wait until New Years to make this list? You can change whenever you want, whenever it feels right and whenever you're ready. I'm not a deadline sort of person but when it comes to important stuff, you can betcha I"ve got a "to do" list, alarms set and calendar events penciled in (to my phone so figuratively speaking).

This would all be fine and dandy if I knew what the hell I should be doing. I've got my homework, mind you, and I'm eternally grateful to those who give out the homework. Definitely worthy of the title of "teachers".

But, there's something else wrong. The fact that (big surprise here) I'm just so tired. Lazy. And a bit of a coward. All I want to do is go move somewhere else - away from my entire family, really. Away from my two jobs. Away from a lot of things. Being away from friends and people who genuinely love me would more than just suck. But, they would know I'd need it.

Or they'd tell me to stop running away and face the music. One or the other.

I just...I feel like I've gotten this far in the little shithole I made for myself, what's the point in trying to climb up? Why not just keep tunneling - only start tunneling to the right or left or something?

I feel like I can't go back, basically. I can't pretend. I certainly can't fake it. And if I'm in a new place, no one will know the difference. They'll just assume I've always had issues and like me for 'em or something.

(hopefully)

It's so silly. Way to be a coward, Jacks.

So, that's why I'm going to stop being a coward and just...be happy. Enjoy life. Love myself. Thank God that I'm alive and well and have a job and all sorts of other things. Especially the big one - surrounded by people that love me. I may have been lonely today but it was sort of made up. As in, I only thought I was lonely because I was feeling sorry for myself and the people I had pushed away in the process of God-knows-what...self-discovery?

At first, I wanted to hangout with someone I hadn't seen in a while maybe or just anyone. But after the two delegates weren't available, I realized there wasn't anyone else, really. I hadn't bothered getting close to anyone else. I didn't really mind. I mean, I like spending time alone. Just made me feel kinda lame like what a sorry excuse of a friend I must be.

So.

Here's the plan:

-I start loving myself.
-Get my shit together.
-Get closer to people (especially in my major. Might help in the future)
-And...I don't know. Go on adventures.

That's what I keep dreaming about anyway so why not make those dreams come true?

XOXO
Jacks