Does Anybody See Me?

Lately, I've been feeling...blah.

My daily routine goes something like this:

Wake up.
Take shower.
Get dressed/fix hair/eat breakfast/whatever.
Go to class.
Take nap in between if possible or do homework.
Eat lunch.
Nap.
Work out or watch movie or other senseless activities like Facebook or comixed.com
Eat dinner.
Serious about homework, now (while also doing senseless things again).
Go to work
OR
Go to sleep.

THE END.

Nothing too exciting. Nothing that I really have to think extra hard about or feel extra hard about. I go through the motions of this daily routine because that's what it is: a routine. Sometimes, something will change. I'll say 'screw it' to working out or to watching a movie and write for once but I don't get too far with that, no no. Sometimes I don't nap either but lately, I feel like that's all I do. I just want to sleep, sleep, sleep til April is over and school is ending.

(but i would really like to sleep til after finals)

I don't even feel like a college kid. I feel like one of those super-dependent kids who can't stay away from home too long without inwardly crying. I don't know what it is. I used to loath going home. Used to put it off and not miss it once.

Nothing has really changed, per se. I mean, me and ex-boyfriend Terry are on good terms now but that's about it. I don't feel close with anyone. Don't feel passionate about anything. Even my boy curse is hardly something to hate or feel anything about. Its like I'm telling the whole world to fuck off, I don't care.

Because no one cares about me.

Okay, I'm sure someone does but honestly, there aren't too many people making an effort to see how I really am. Or to get out from underneath their own lives to have fun and experience things like I want to do. And if they do, they don't invite me to come along.

I guess I'm not really putting myself out there but I kind of feel numb about it anyway. Lazy. Like I don't want to make the effort. Maybe I'm afraid of what could happen. Or maybe, my heart's just too damn empty, I don't know how to fill it back up.

I wish everything could go back to how things were. I mean, I like how the me now looks and talks and stuff but I'd really love it if I could still be with Terry, could still hang out with Tracy any given moment, kick back with Stacey any time and maybe even play video games with Brett.

But that's never going to happen...is it?

XOXO
Jacks