I'm a Detached Breathing Appartus

This week is going to be a big week. And by "big", I mean emotionally so. Well, it should be at least.

The awareness is there. I know what this week means, specifically the date October 19th and I want to acknowledge it. No, I will acknowledge it; of course I will. But every time I've thought about it thus far, I feel miles away. Exactly like what the title of this entry says. I found it in a Sherlock fanfiction (which hurts me to admit so) called "The Paradox Sutie" (by wordstrings. She does deserve credit).

I'm currently a paradox. I used to think I was one of the most emotional people I knew. I cried during sappy films, sobbed over fanfiction that didn't really mean anything, weeped over two close friends' passing and cry whenever something upsets me to the very core which has mostly been the way people affect me.

Because that's what people do - they simply affect me.

I don't want them to. For a long time, I thought I was the strong one in the family. I didn't need a Bandaid for a papercut, I didn't need to go to the hospital for stomach pains, I didn't even need a kiss from Mom when I scraped my knees once again.

In the end, none of it mattered. I could get through it all when my sister couldn't or when one of my brothers complained too much. But then, I realized that I was still a baby. I was still weak because I let people into my life who would drive me nuts and make me cry and whine and for God's sake, why can't I just let them stop making me feel so terrible?

Sure, I let people walk over me. I've gotten better about it thanks to a certain Bestie. And really, people will go on affecting your life until you die.

But, that's the problem. I realized that right now, the one desire I've clung to the past few months and perhaps the past few years has always been the need to be alone because its really starting to weigh me down. Maybe that's why I'm no longer as emotive. It bothered me that I couldn't cry at the end of Boys Don't Cry, people. Seriously.

I guess that's why I'm feeling so hollow right now too. Going through the motions. Cold and fake as I think about the significance of this Wednesday. I don't blame her and I certainly don't blame God (no, not anymore). Usually, the blame would go to me. Everything is usually my fault so how was any of this any different?

And that's exactly why this time around is a little bit off. I forgave myself in bits and pieces over the past couple of months. I'm still not completely there. Because if I was completely and totally over it, I wouldn't be sitting at work, wondering what in the hell I'm going to do this dreaded Wednesday and worrying whether or not this little facade I've managed to build up will fall away.

She deserves that at least and because she affected me so, I shouldn't be worried that I won't let her down.

Sorry for the angst, dear reader. Don't worry about me like I'll try not to worry about you.

XOXO
Jacks