Who Knew?

I've been depressed lately. I hate using the word since never in my life have I actually been depressed (or aware of it, at least) and this time's no different. I also hate using it as an excuse because, well, my sister does. A lot. Which, okay, yes, depression hurts. It's a terrible mental disorder that affects more people than we'd like to hope aren't and where do I get off in downplaying something that's somewhat untreatable and just awful?

I don't so I'm not going to. I'm just saying how I feel about it because I hate it with a mighty vengeance and I also hate admitting that I was upset in the first place.

ANYWAY.

I've been sad lately and I know exactly why but...things are starting to look up. There's still the rift between me and family and things don't always work out like they should (when will they ever) and generally, a lot of things are rather shitty but its not like I think about how upset I am all the time.

Thus, I discovered how happy I really am doing my job at the radio station. Its a pain in the ass and I feel extremely guilty for not doing this sooner but I was upset and when I'm upset I want to punch babies and crawl into a hole and die - not do my fucking job, sorry. Usually I fight all the anger down and just do it but lately, this hasn't been option.

Until today.

Today, I was determined. I made myself login to my work e-mail account and really go through all the e-mails from various bands. I made myself download all the music, burn all the CDs, and even send a couple of e-mails that basically said, "It's not you, it's me". And then a fellow employee waltzes in asking about submitting a new show and asking if I could help while I'm rocking out to this fantastic band (RoomFour) and...

Well, to be honest, I'm tearing up.

Who knew that all along, if I had just bucked up and actually, I don't know, did what I love so much and feel so passionate about, fuck all the shit that makes me upset and let me LIVE and work and support these local bands who deserve all the fans in the world that I'd almost automatically feel better?

Sigh.

And, no matter if you care or not dear reader, I feel better letting this all out.

I've been upset, sad, depressed for far too long. It's time to crawl out of the hole, go to a concert and LOVE.

XOXO
Jacks

P.S. Just for shits and giggles: