The easiest thing someone can do is lie to themselves. The lies start out small and slowly escalate until that someone has convinced themselves that that lie is true. They've altered what's real and soon, their altered minds cannot be swayed especially with the damage its undergone as more and more lies filter through.
I know what's right. I know that everyone around me is right. Why would someone who genuinely cares about me lie to me when the person is doing the most lying is me - the person who doesn't give a shit even when its me that needs the caring.
I don't want to be cared for. I don't want to succumb to the weakness, to the sob stories and the release of everything I've been holding back. Maybe its because I'm afraid. I'm one minute off from the bomb exploding.
I wish I cared. I wish I could see the pain and the hurt on some of their faces and ease their minds. Tell them that I'll be okay. I mean, I'm confident that eventually, I will be but I don't want them to worry. I want to worry about them. They are far more important. They've got amazing times ahead and things to see and do. I'm sure I've got the same but what have I done in the past when faced with amazing times, amazing people? I brush it under the rug and wait for something better.
And I hate that. There's no possible excuse for my behavior and my utter lack of caring.
I feel as though I'm falling apart. That everything is coming to a head and all I can do is balk up and feign that it matters. I know it does, of course, but I can't seem to reach that point just yet. All I can do right now is look at my very being being sliced apart by dull knives or the little puzzle pieces that make up Jacks coming apart and making a mess on the kitchen table.
I can't stop. I can't stop lying to myself that it will all go away. If I hole myself up or keep pushing it further back or fleeing to some other country - it will just go away.
And that, my dear readers, is the weak, selfish and stupid side of me talking because what sort of strong person runs away like that? What sort of strong person is so incredibly selfish? That's the part that's eating away at me - not so much the fact that I'm now also weak and stupid. What sort of strong person admits to any of it anyway?
None. Which means I'm nothing but weak anyway.
What a pickle I'm in.
XOXO
Jacks
2 comments:
That's the horrible thing about sadness and what makes you sad, if you shut it up and lock it away, it somehow picks the lock and comes back to remind you what you have done, and what you have become. I wish I could tell you everything will go away, but I can't cause I am going through a similar thing, and it hasn't gone away yet. The only thing advice I can give you is: let love in. Let your friends who care, in. I pushed so many people away, that I lost so much in the past ten years. I'm surprised people are still here, and still put up with me. The downside is, even if you get all the hugs in the world, sometimes the pain comes back. I guess its how you take care of the pain, that really matters...
...and if you ever need to talk, no matter how dire
the situation or how shocking it may be...these ears
and eyes will always be non-judgmental :)
Hey hey hey. You are neither weak nor stupid. You are HUMAN. You care about others to the point of not caring about yourself. To sweep it under the rug would be the worst thing you could do for yourself right now. You have to stand up for yourself, or you really will explode. At this point, you're the only one who can help you. Would you rather be the doormat or stand up and fight for your own future? You have a warrior in your corner, let me show you how to fight.
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