I'll Be the One Who'll Break My Heart

Seeing crushes after months of not seeing them is just about the worst feeling in the world.

Now, if said crush, let's call him Jim (he's the identical Italian twin of Jim Halpert from The Office), had just gone on in life not knowing who I was and I eventually got over my infatuation, it certainly wouldn't have been as bad. Not as painful.

But Jim knows me. We didn't talk much, weren't much of friends though we could've been and I fucked it up. Well, I won't let him go totally blameless - he fucked up things too.

The not knowing hurts the worst. We didn't have an awkward moment where I confessed my feelings and he denied them. No, no. What happened was that I fell for him, invited him to a number of events (three of which were at my apartment) and "drunk" texted him and...he awkwardly avoided me.

Our romance could have been beautiful. Amazing. Maybe not long, maybe just friends - whatever. But something could've happened.

Until I fucked it up.

Now, I'm not one to hold many regrets but this is one of those that just hurts because at that point in my life, everything was messy and I further messed it up. That's right, me. I broke my own heart because I didn't just like this Jim. I was almost in love with him and I didn't do things the right way. I got carried away. Thus, I blame myself for being so stupid. Jim might be thinking that I'm just weird because I was obsessive not because I liked him. And that, in and of itself was where I really fucked up.

Anyway.

I saw him today. Couple of days back too. But today, we crossed paths. We made eye contact. I pretended that maybe it didn't happen and as we came closer he smiled, waved. I said "hey" and not too enthusiastically and with a fake smile to return his equally fake one. And in a uplifted tone he responded with, "hey".

Dramatic, I know.

It really doesn't matter. It meant nothing - especially to him.

But my heart, it races. I forgot how to breathe as he walked past me. I started tearing up. Felt my heart exploding. It was like a heart attack.

I don't know how to explain it. Especially since the entire time I kept reminding myself that he was a loser and didn't realize what he was missing out on but...

God. Crushes.

XOXO
Jacks